Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
