I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
