My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
