people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
