Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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