I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
My ATM looks so different sober.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
