So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
you inspire me to be a worse person
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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