why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
