Capitaan dildo arrescate!
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
