I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
