you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
