there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
