no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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