So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.