My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..