just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
