Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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