I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
