I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
