Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Randomize
