So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
