I just saw a hot homeless man
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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