Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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