he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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