You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
