Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
