my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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