i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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