I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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