Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
