Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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