I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
