Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
