gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
