I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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