i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
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if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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