Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
