shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I want her autograph on my taint
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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