I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
We were destined to go to rehab together
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I am mentally ready for anal.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
