dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Soap is not a condiment
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Randomize
