he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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