Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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