its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
