3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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