I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
