btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
