I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
