I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
