just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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