I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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