nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
