i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
it was like his penis was on wheels.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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