I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.