No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.