I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
