I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
