i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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