I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
