i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
