Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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